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September 12, 2011

This morning, I was sitting on my couch wondering if I was starting to feel better while recovering from Covid. It made my mind wander to how I’ve seen people react to this pandemic and it honestly made me sad. I’ve seen Believers and Unbelievers argue, complain, judge, name-call, etc all because they don’t agree with what someone else is thinking. You add in the fact that this pandemic has become a huge political debate too and it makes it worse. What’s sad to me is that you cannot tell the difference between the believer or unbeliever.

As a Christian I try to remind myself that this is not my home. I am foreigner in this world. Yes, I am a citizen of the United States and a proud American, but this is still not my ultimate home. No matter what country I live in, I am still a citizen of Christ, not this world. I have seen so many of my fellow Christians argue and fight the politics of the country. They get so caught up with what they think is right/wrong, what they deserve, what it should be, what they have a right too, and forget that as Christians, we know what we really do deserve due to our sin in our lives. We know that thanks to Jesus dying for us on the cross, He paid the ultimate sacrifice and gave us grace instead to live with Him, if, of course we accept it. We say we know this but instead we argue, complain, name-call, and judge other believers and unbelievers. We worry about our freedoms being taken away, we worry if someone is going to make us do something we don’t want, we worry about losing rights, we worry about how many immigrants are coming to our country and if that means there won’t be enough for me. We worry and live in fear and fight about so many things that are of this world. I have to say that I think Satan is having a field day just watching us. He barely has to do anything to keep unbelievers from finding Christ because we do it for him. No unbeliever is going to want to follow a Christian who says God loves you, Jesus died for you, come follow him and then in the same breath make statements that are judgmental and argumentative.

Instead I wish unbelievers could see us Christians that are loving, compassionate, peaceful, merciful, extending grace to others, not living in fear of what is going on around us because we know our God has a plan. And God’s plan might not be what we want or think we should have. We know that one day we will no longer be on this earth and be in heaven. Whether that means the end time is near or not. We do not know when that will be, maybe it will be soon and maybe it will be 100 years from now. Maybe our country will not last all this division and fall. Maybe Christians can come together and have a revival and we will be able to stand strong. In the history of the world, nations have come up and fallen and the world still keeps going on. God still keeps going on with his plan for this world and everyone in it. All we can do is pray and bring unbelievers to him.

As I stated above, I am currently fighting Covid. My husband is also and my daughter has basically already recovered. We are very blessed that we have been able to fight it at home and not have to go to the hospital. I know of many people that have died from this, that have recovered after fighting it for a long time, and others that barely had a cold. As a nurse, I’ve come across it all. I am not a frontline nurse anymore but a Case Manager, but I have had to put in a lot of death notices and Covid notices while in this pandemic. I, myself, am trying to live what I stated above. It can be very difficult as I see people getting really nasty about wearing masks or about getting the vaccine. I am not going to say what I think people should do, but I am going to say that people need to have more compassion for others. I know there are people that would not do well if they got Covid. And I know there a lot of people that cannot receive the vaccine due to health reasons. For me, I want to help reduce risks for them to be able to live their life too and be able to go out to the grocery store or go to church. I know this is a hot button topic, but whatever you think, just remember, do it with love, grace, and compassion. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control; against such things there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23

Dear friends, I urge you, as foreigners and exiles, to abstain from sinful desires, which wage war against your soul. Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us. Submit yourselves for the Lord’s sake to every human authority: whether to the emperor, as the supreme authority, or to governors, who are sent by him to punish those who do wrong and to commend those who do right. For it is God’s will that by doing good you should silence the ignorant talk of foolish people. Live as free people, but do not use your freedom as a cover-up for evil; live as God’s slaves. Show proper respect to everyone, love the family of believers, fear God, honor the emperor. 1Peter 11-17.

May 2, 2021

I am currently writing a blog post while sitting facing the creek that runs through our new 27 acre property. It is peaceful and quiet except for the many birds, the water trickling, and some far away neighbors chopping wound. It’s amazing how far you can hear when you are far away from civilization. We recently purchased this land for recreational use and hunting. The one drawback to this property, it’s off-the-grid. It was part of a large farm so there’s no house, no electric, no running water (except the creek), no internet, and no cell service. We have a few neighbors but everyone mostly keeps to themselves. It’s a great place to get away and unplug from life. I was looking forward to coming down this weekend and not being able to watch the news, look at social media, work, and honestly not even talk to anyone. I love hiking and being out in nature, so this is completely a great place for me to relax, spend time with God, and recharge myself before continuing on with life.

While down here I was able to just be still and be quiet. It has not been easy since my mind is constantly moving and thinking, but I have been working on it. Just sitting here listening to the birds helps me do that. Until my mind wanders and I think about how I should research bird calls and found out what all the birds are on our property. I am definitely a work in progress. But I refocus my self and think about the verse “Be still, and know that I am God”. I recently learned more about this verse and it’s true meaning of “be still”. It’s not just being quiet and not moving, it is more about letting go, ceasing, giving up, then knowing that he is God. We are not to just be still, we are to let go of our stress, our troubles, or issues/concerns that we are holding onto and giving them to God. It is a huge relief but also a hard thing to do. We love control too much.

If you watch the news a lot or scroll through social media, you can find all kinds of issues, troubles, chaos, arguments, anger, and placing blame. People are no longer listening to each other and being stubborn and prideful. It is a very much, overwhelmingly negative state right now. No matter what your stance is on particular issues, it’s almost as if everyone has dug their feet in on what they think and will not listen to anyone else’s opinion. As a Christian, and seeing this with other fellow Christians, it’s making it harder to want to talk to anyone. I find myself wanting to not talk to a lot of people because I’m afraid of what the topic will be. I’d rather stay home and away from everyone because I may feel differently or having a slightly different opinion about some things and sharing that can be lead to conflict. It is a very hard and isolating place to be right now. As isolating as it may be, I’m still in the midst of it. It’s too easy to turn on that tv or scroll through Facebook and see what your friends and family are posting about or arguing about next. I’m finding most people are not willing to listen to other opinions or thoughts, whether they are Christian or not.

This leads me back to what I originally was writing about, getting away and being still. Here, on our property, I can’t watch the news, I can’t look at social media, and I can’t call, text, or email anyone. It’s just me, nature, God, and the family members I came with. I can work on letting go of all the chaos, racing thoughts, and sadness of what I am seeing. I can just pray and listen to God instead. Reminding myself that He’s got this. I can’t control other people’s attitudes, only myself. I don’t have to participate in the anger and pridefulness. I can do what I hope others would do. Listen, acknowledge them, and love them. Whether I agree with them or not.

Taking the time to unplug and step away is something that everyone needs to do. We need that time to let go of everything around us, even if it’s just for 15-30 minutes. Or turning off your notifications to all social media accounts so that you’re not constantly notified of every little post, like, or comment, drawing us back to scroll through the lists of posts. We need to refresh our soul, give things over to God, and just let go. Remember that God loves all of us, even if we think differently. We are called to love others and draw them closer to Him. Not turn them off by our own prideful nature. I know I am not an expert by any means on Christian living, but I do think we need to show God’s love, not just talk about it then act the opposite.

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Ephesians 4:29

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” Ephesians 4:31-21

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubles and do not be afraid.” John 14:27

“But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.” James 3:17

February 27, 2021

This morning I had a lot of thoughts running through my mind after doing my devotions, so this is my attempt to write them down. Currently I’m participating in a Social Media Fast. There is a devotional book that goes along with it to read each day. I just finished the Sugar Fast recently by the same author and wanted to do the social media fast afterwards which coaligns with Lent. Today’s devotion was on social distancing during the Covid19 pandemic since she wrote this devotional at the beginning of the pandemic shut-down. What proceeded after reading it led to some conversations with one of my sons. He was complaining about a particular state in this country and said how he would never live there. I thought about that for a little bit and then had the thought “What if God wanted you to live there?” I posed that question to him and at first he stated that he just wouldn’t go. I then stated again, “what if that is where God wants to you to go. Sometimes he leads us or sends us to places where we do not want to go”. I also made the point that, we have missionaries that are sent to places where the government is so much more controlling and oppressive than anything we have experienced here, and they still go. The conversation was very brief and he said I made a good point then my husband and him were on there way out the door.

This brief conversation and my own thoughts beforehand led me to reflect on my own life and where God has sent me. I’ve always wondered where God wants me to go or what God wants me to do, but never thought about what He has already done. I realized that God led me someplace that I did not want to go too. You see, I never wanted to live in Canton, Ohio and raise my children here. It’s not because it’s a bad place or anything, I just always wanted to travel and see the whole country and experience everything it had to offer. I liked hearing and learning about different viewpoints, different cultures, different ways of life. I wanted my kids to experience that too. I was able to do that for a short time while married to my first husband, the father of three of my children. We moved a lot and lived in various places including Cincinnati, Chicago, and Austin, TX. My favorite place being Texas. I loved it there. I had found a church and great group of friends. But sadly, my marriage did not last and while going through the divorce, I moved me and my three kids back home to Ohio. I won’t go into details but it was something I did not want to do. I wanted to stay in Texas and raise my kids there. But move back we did, with me kicking and screaming to God wondering why I had to leave a place I love, leave all my friends that were my support system during this time, officially end my marriage, and go back to where I never intended on living. I know this might not seem like a huge, life altering decision for others. I know I wasn’t sent to another country that is dangerous. But for me, this decision was very difficult. In my mind, I was having to completely start my adult life over from scratch. I would have to raise three kids on my own, go back to school, make new friends completely, and learn to live as an adult in a familiar yet now new place. I will add here that although I stated I like to travel and see the world, I am also an introvert at heart, with issues with anxiety as a whole let alone in social situations. Starting over and trying to make new friends was and is still not easy for me.

I did realize this morning though, that God did lead me someplace that I never wanted to go for various reasons. I don’t know why I am all of a sudden having an epiphany on that now, after almost 16 years. As I reflect on my life, it has not been bad here, it’s actually been great and has flourished. I remarried, gained 2 stepsons and had another child. I was able to continue going to my church I grew up in and get involved in women’s ministry. I finished college with not only a Bachelor’s degree for my RN license but also a two Master’s degrees. God has definitely blessed me here beyond what I could imagine 16 years ago.

Maybe the reason I’m thinking of this now is so I can finally let go of that part of my life. I have always thought of having to move back to Ohio a negative thing because it was something I did not want. I always blamed the divorce and held on to some anger still about not being able to live where I wanted to. I never stopped to take the time to reflect on the fact that this was all God’s decision, his plan for my life. He wanted me back here to meet my husband, grow my family, and make new friends who are my support system now. It’s actually kind of freeing to realize this now.

God has a plan for all of our lives and what is hard is trusting that plan no matter what. Realizing that He knows what is best for us. It may seem difficult in the moment. And it may be something that you do not want to do. He may even make the decision for you and you go somewhere kicking and screaming like I did. But when you take the time to just trust Him, listen to Him, and follow Him, you will realize that He has your best interest. You might not necessarily realize it right away either, or see the reasoning behind why we go through trials in our lives. It might take 16 years or 25 years or even 50 years before you can look back and say “that’s why”. That’s why faith and trust is so important. It is so simple and yet so hard to do.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Just in case anyone is wondering, the fasting devotionals I spoke on are the following:

“ The 40 Day Sugar Fast” by Wendy Speake

“The 40 Day Social Media Fast” by Wendy Speake

I also listened to Michael W Smith’s new album “Still” while writing this. It is very reflective and peaceful music to listen to while you are spending time with God through either devotions, prayer, meditating, or writing your thoughts down.

April 26,2020

I’ve been meaning to write a post for the last 4 weeks, since the start of our stay-at-home orders due to COVID19. I’ve had many ideas flowing through my mind and of course often during times when I couldn’t take the time to write, like during work hours. I’ve had a few people ask if I was going to write something soon. Then this morning, our pastor preached on the very first thing my mind had thought of writing about, James 1:2-4.

This passage is about having joy in our trials, embracing our trials so that we can persevere and our faith in God can grow. Having and being in the middle of trials are not fun and can sometimes be some of the most difficult things we can go through. But when we put our trust in Christ, we can receive His strength, peace, and joy through the trials so that we can grow and mature in our faith. I know it is always easier said than done. I can sit here and type this all out making it sound like it’s an easy thing to do, but I’ll be honest, for me it’s not always easy. I want to fix it, or figure it out, or make it better, or even just make it go away so that I don’t have to deal with it, whatever IT is. I want the control and it is hard for me to let that go and give it to God. And during a trial, no matter how big or small, I struggle with letting it go and realizing that God is really the one in control. I cannot always see what He is trying to do. I cannot see the Big Picture. I cannot see that no matter how hard something might be right now, I will be ok in the end. In fact I will be great. This world is only temporary and some day I will be in a perfect place with God forever.

I often feel like Christians forget that we are never promised a trial-free life. That if we give our life to God then everything will just be “all better” and we won’t struggle. I often feel like non-Christians think this of us also. Sometimes we think God is this Jeanie that will just grant all our desires, wishes, wants, take away all our struggles. The opposite is actually true. Jesus told us we would face trials and struggles in this life on earth. How we deal with these trials is up to us. We can become anxious, worry, struggle to control everything, become bitter and angry. Or we can give everything to God and lean on His strength. Allow Him to help us through the trial. This can give us peace, contentment, and joy in ALL our circumstances, not just the fun and happy ones where things are going our way. Trusting in God completely gives us this freedom to just relax and enjoy peace. Ultimately realizing that no matter what we face on this earth, this is not our permanent home. Heaven is. Where we will live forever with Christ with perfect bodies and perfect minds in a perfect place. It sounds so wonderful that I wonder how I often forget this and get sucked into the negativity, anger, worry, and depression that can happen while I’m struggling with something. I need to remember to turn my eyes to God.

Another thing I want to share is something that has come to my mind this afternoon….Be still. I am an introvert by nature. I have found that I need quiet time to myself to just recharge. In the middle of this pandemic, we have all our college age children home and I am homeschooling our 11 yr old now while still working my full time job at home. Finding quiet time has been hard! Someone always has something they need to tell me or something that they need from me. We still have a lot going on here! I have found myself going stir crazy. Today I realized that I really needed time alone. I needed to just Be Still. I needed to just have time to pray, listen to God, worship Him with listening to music (that’s my preference), and just not doing anything! That’s how I was finally able to write this post. I finally just told my husband and family that I needed time to myself and went to my office that’s still under construction and set up a chair, put on worship music, lit a candle, and just sat there.

Sometimes we all need to remember that we just need to slow down and Be Still. That is actually one thing some of us can learn from this whole pandemic. We need to just slow down, allow our minds to catch up with itself, take time to pray and then actually listen for God, let our bodies relax so we don’t feel run down. We are always so busy with so many things, good and bad, that maybe we can all learn right now to just Be Still. Give ourselves time to actually go to God and give Him our struggles, fears, and trials. Take the time to rely on his strength and allow His peace to fill you. Change your attitude for the better and learn to be content in all circumstances. Allow yourself to experience true joy at all times, especially during trials.

Psalm 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.

Psalm 62:5 For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him.

James 1:2-4 Consider it pure joy, my brothers in sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Music to listen to:

“Take Heart” by Matthew West

“Peace Be Still” by Hope Darst

“Rescue” by Lauren Daigle

“Rescue Story” by Zach Williams

“Even if” by MercyMe

February 2,2020

This post I wrote at church on Sunday morning while listening to our worship band practice. I realize now that the post may sound a little similar to the first one I wrote, however, I believe God laid these words on my heart at the time so I wanted to post it anyways. I’m listening to our worship band at church practice the song Chainbreaker by Zach Williams. I love this song and it moves me so much every time I hear it. It reminds me that God can break any chain/fear/insecurity/sin that is holding me back. I seem to need reminded of this often since I let my fear and insecurities rule my life instead of God. For me this has lead to a 20+ yr struggle with anxiety. I have ups and downs with it, but honestly I’m so used to it, that I just assume it will always be a part of my life. I’ve learned how to deal with it, what to do to calm myself down, and even have medication if I absolutely need to. I’ve learned that praying helps sometimes. Mostly talking to someone when I’m in the midst of any attack helps the most. It distracts me from my thoughts and my breathing. I’ve been lucky that my anxiety has not become debilitating for me like I know it has for other people. I believe completely that constant stress or stressful situations that happen over and over again can lead to changes in our brain and neurotransmitters. This can cause anxiety to creep out of nowhere at times. This happens to me when there has been no provocation to cause it. Of course, I’ve also had anxiety caused by a stressful situation that I am in. I have prayed to God many times to take this anxiety away which has not happened. But I am starting to understand two things: 1. God has allowed my anxiety to stay so that I learn to rely and depend on Him completely. This is something I still struggle with. And 2. Maybe there’s a way I can help someone else that struggles with it as well. It is nice to have someone to talk to who really understands what you are going through or dealing with because they get it. Anxiety isn’t always something you can pray away, read a few verses in the Bible, read a nice quote, tell yourself your fine, or even have someone else tell you will be fine. All of those are really good things and do help sometimes. And God can perform miracles and take our struggles away. But, sometimes God allows these things because we aren’t perfect people and we live in an imperfect world. We will have struggles and trials and were never promised easy lives. And sometimes we need to learn to rely on Him. Also, let’s not forget that God gave us all brains to think and figure things out. We can help ourselves and learn how to adapt, adjust, or change things that we do for the better. God doesn’t always just take things away from us that are hard, sometimes we need figure out how to deal with it ourselves. If we rely on His strength to help us, we can do that. I’ve learned that with my anxiety and what symptoms to watch for when my anxiety is starting up. I know the things to do to calm myself down and a majority of the time that works. I did that twice this past year. First time was when I started this blog. I’ll admit that I almost had a full blown anxiety attack when I posted it on Facebook, but I took a deep breath, said a prayer, had my family by me, closed my eyes, and posted it. The second time was this Christmas. I actually sang a solo in my church’s Christmas cantata. I love to sing! I used to in high school for my church but stopped after that. I’m not the worlds best singer but I’m not horrible so I will take it. Anyways, I actually volunteered to do a solo for one of the songs. I have secretly wanted to do this for a long time but have never had the guts to because of fear. Even after I spoke up I wondered what in the world was I thinking. Every time I thought about it I could feel the panic rising up. Of course, the two practices in front of the choir did not help when I didn’t hit the high notes each time. When it came time for the performance, I was doing my best to distract myself with the music in front of me and saying silent prayers to not have a full blown anxiety attack. I prayed so much during that cantata. Finally when it was time, I said a quick prayer, took a deep breathe, and just went for it. I actually hit the notes, sang the solo, and was fine. I felt so proud of myself for stepping out of my comfort zone and doing something I’ve always wanted to do but I had allowed my fear and anxiety to stop me. I thanked God for giving me the strength to do that and holding me up during that. I know that may sound a little dramatic for some people, but for anyone reading this that has anxiety, you know what I am talking about. I had allowed myself to rely on God during that and He got me through it. For some this may seem like a more trivial thing and that is ok. I can give many other examples of God helping me through my anxiety such being able to teach a women’s bible study, raise kids on my own for a couple years, go through a divorce, or learn how to have a successful marriage this time around with a blended family ( we are still constantly learning that). One thing I keep reminding myself, God can help us through anything if we allow Him to and rely on Him. My favorite passage in the Bible is appropriate for this: Phillipians 4:6-13 Do not be anxious about anything, but in ever situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally brother and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me – put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concerns for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you have no opportunity to show it. I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through Him who gives me strength.

October 31, 2019

I just recently realized that I struggle with truly trusting God….. It has been awhile since I wrote my first blog post. I have been struggling with finding the time or making the time to do it. For a while I knew exactly what I wanted to write about next, but when I finally set aside time to do it, the words just didn’t come. So I left it for a while longer, praying for God to let me know what to write. Recently I’ve been learning lots of life lessons through our women’s Bible study on gods in our life, different messages heard from Sunday morning on the Christian life and trusting God, and then our women’s retreat about coming away and resting. All of these things has convicted me in one way or another, and has made me realize that I lack complete trust in God over my life. I’m currently sitting on a deck overlooking the Smoky Mountains while it rains. I am here on vacation with my husband Jim for our 10th year anniversary. It is still just as beautiful in the rain as it was on the mornings where it was sunny. This, to me, is like life. If we are completely trusting God over our whole life, we can still find beauty in the rain, or our trials, just like when things are going just wonderfully or how we planned, or when it’s full sunshine. Unfortunately, many of us face lots of rainy days or storms or even tornadoes/hurricanes (depending on where you are). During these times it is hard to completely trust God, at least it is for me. There are instances when I have been brought to a place where I had to ultimately trust Him. My divorce over 15 years led me to that. I realized that I had made my first husband my god instead of just my husband which led to devastation when he left. I remember at that time I only had God to lean on as I raised 3 little kids on my own and went back to college. God helped me through that, provided us with what we needed, and I had many days and nights of praying, crying, and leaning on God to just get through each day. But looking back now, I see that after a while, when things started getting a little easier, I stopped completely relying on him and starting taking my life back into my own hands. It is a constant struggle of back and forth for me. I married my current husband, Jim, 10 years ago, and we now have 6 wonderful children together. I am finding I’m making the same mistakes in this marriage and making Jim my god. I’m relying on him to make feel happy, loved, and complete. This is a such a huge mistake, one that I know very well. As much as I love Jim, he would agree that he is human and imperfect and will let me down at times, just like I will let him down due to my imperfectness. I can only truly rely on God to feel loved, joyous, and complete. The problem with relying on Jim for all that is when he lets me down, that distrust creeps in. Distrust that has set in my heart from an early age from different life experiences growing up and from my failed first marriage. I hate not trusting Jim because one, it hurts him deeply and two, not trusting him means I ultimately am not trusting God. I truly believe God put us together, and if I truly believe that and trust God, I can trust Jim through everything. Even if that means trusting through bad times not just good times. Even when we hurt each other or argue, because we will. I also need to remember that other things such shopping, food, exercising, friends, or even a job won’t give me the contentment, joy, or fulfillment that I truly want and need. These can all be good things that I like and make me happy for a moment, which is ok, but it won’t give us the lasting love and joy that we need. This can only come from completely trusting in God and remembering that He loves me know matter what. He gave the ultimate sacrifice for me, His Son, to die for me so that I can be with Him forever. He gives me the most unconditional love I could ever need. I can trust that He has my real best interest at heart. Ultimately God has control over everything, good and bad, and we can’t always see the big picture or His whole plan. This is something I need to remember with my children also. As our children turn into adults, it has been hard giving up that control as a mother and hand them over to God. God has a plan for their lives that I am not privy to. I am their mother but God is their heavenly Father and has the ultimate authority. He knows what trials they need to face, lessons they need to learn, and good, joyous times they will have. It is hard giving up that control, but I know I need to let go and trust because everything will happen no matter if I stress, worry, or try to control. He has their best interest at heart and knows the plan He has for their lives. Right now it is easy to let go and relax as I am still overlooking the mountains, on vacation, away from life for a little while. The real test will be when Jim and I get back to reality and life tomorrow. Please pray for me and for yourselves that we can learn to let things go and just completely trust God with our whole life.

May 6, 2019

About 4-5 years ago, I felt like I was being led by God to start leading and teaching Bible studies to other women. This came about after doing a few of Beth Moore’s bible studies in our women’s group at my church. The problems with that for me was my anxiety, fear of no one wanting to listen to me, fear that I was not capable or right the person for the job, and I was not sure how to go about doing that. Thankfully, I was able to join the leadership team at my church for Ladies group called WOW (Women of the Word) and that journey was able to start. In the midst of this was another thing that I kept hearing God tell me; start a blog. This was about 3 years ago this started. At first it sounded like a great idea but then fear crept in. Who would want to read it? Am I smart enough to come up with things to write? Why would anyone want to listen to what I have to say? I have so much baggage, so many things I have done wrong, how can I write to other women about God or Christian life? I struggled with this for a year and kept putting it off. Finally 2 years ago I decided I’m going to do it. So I bought and named a website. My son Brandon decided he wanted to design it so I let him. Now, it has been 2 years since I started that website and I have not done a single thing to it. Brandon made it look nice and it was just waiting for the first entry. I even had a picture and little section about myself on it but that is it. Currently at my church I am teaching a study on fear from Angie Smith’s book “What Women Fear”. I have found that I like to teach on issues that I know a lot about, i.e., things I struggle with myself. While putting the study together I decided I finally would start my blog. I would face my fears of failure, insignificance, rejection, etc and finally write my first blog post for the whole world to see (or at least whoever goes to read it). See, I have battled my whole life with not feeling like I’m good enough, like I cannot do anything right, like I’m really worth anything. These feelings have led to battles with anxiety and depression that make some days good and some days bad. Me putting my thoughts and feelings out there are completely out of my comfort zone. But, I am going to do it because this what God has asked me to do. I have not listened to Him for the last 3 years because I have let my fears rule what I do. I decided I’m going to listen now. I know that God knows what is best for me and has a plan for my life even if I cannot see it all. His plan has been for me to start this blog for other women no matter how it turns out in the end. Trust like this is very difficult for me. If I am truly honest, I have not been fully trusting God with this plan of His. Now, I’m ready to put this out there because I feel like even if it fails, it means I was meant to at least try, and listen to Him. Honestly, even if it helps one person, including myself, then it cannot be called a failure. So, after all this rambling, here is my official first post of my blog. My goal is to submit one entry each month and I fully expect people to hold me accountable for that. I have lots of thoughts and ideas to write about so there’s more to come.